First Impression

 John: I think our sales team has given up on us because they definitely haven’t sent us to an actual restaurant in about a month. Two weeks ago we were sent to the Taste of Alpharetta, last week we were off and this week we were sent to a Braves game. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re reviewing free samples at Costco for next week’s issue. That being said, I go to Turner Field once a year and that’s only when the Cincinnati Reds are in town. They were in town 10 days ago, which meant one thing: Dining Duo at the Braves game. If you’ve ever been to Turner Field (or any baseball park in the country), you’ve probably noticed that they have their own economic system where everything is 23 times more expensive then it should be. That’s why nachos cost $46 instead of $2. Anyway, Tim and I headed down to the ballpark and we sat three rows back in right field. Which just happened to be the perfect distance for throwing something at Jason Heyward.

Tim: First of all, Breech was in full-fledged “annoying visiting team’s fan” mode for this game. He kept unwittingly referring to Jason Heyward as “Justin Heyward.” You would think a sports editor would know the first name of this generation’s greatest young phenom. I think he did it on purpose just to antagonize me. Secondly, I love Turner Field. It’s one of my favorite places on earth. It’s right up there with Sanford Stadium, the place I stand on my deck when I’m grilling meat and that movie theater where they serve beer (are you listening, sales team?). As you can see, food and sports carry a lot of heft in where I like to be. So the idea of packing up the minivan and going downtown to watch the Braves and eat food made me downright giddy. I’m going all “Spinal Tap” on the ratings for this one.

John: 8
Tim: 11

Innings 1-3

John: Because Tim: A. drives a mini-van and B. drives like my Grandma, we got to the game late. This actually worked out in my favor though because Brian McCann hit a first inning home run and since Tim missed it, he couldn’t rub it in my face. We opened up the culinary portion of the game with some basic stadium food: nachos and a foot long hot dog. Sure the Nachos are $6, but I have to say, as far as $6 stadium nachos go, they were actually worth it. The one thing I hate most with nachos is when I run out of cheese.  If I had my way, there would be a cheese fountain connected to every seat at every baseball stadium in the country. Obviously, this is unrealistic. However, you can order extra cheese for .50 cents at Turner Field. I would pay $5 for extra cheese, so this was no-brainer. It took Tim four innings to eat his hot dog, so I’ll let him talk about that.

Tim: I hate getting to any spectator event late. At concerts I like to hear the no-name opening acts. At movies I like to see the cheesy Coke commercials that they try to trick you into thinking are trailers for an actual movie. So getting to the stadium late almost made me drop the lead foot and do 65 on the connector. (When you have three kids and you drive a minivan, you develop the Rush Limbaugh of driving habits--ridiculously conservative.)

However, once we arrived I knew exactly what I was eating first. Hot dog. A baseball game makes a hot dog taste like filet mignon on a bun. But this time we went for the upgrade. Instead of just mustard on a footlong, we got the Chicago dog. Mustard, pickle, relish, onion, hot peppers, tomato and celery salt on a footlong hot dog. Chicago has blessed the world with many things (crooked politicians, drunk baseball announcers) but their version of the hot dog should be bronzed and enshrined in Cooperstown. This was by far the greatest part of the meal portion of our evening. The fact that the Braves were up four runs when I ate it puts us back in Spinal Tap territory.

Nachos: John 7, Tim 6
Hot Dog: John 8, Tim 11

Innings 4-6

John: I get bored easily. Sometimes I even get bored of getting bored. The point here is that the Reds were getting shut out through five innings. Boring. Watching the Reds was like watching paint dry and then rewetting it and then watching it dry again. Because of this, I decided to visit the Smoke House. I ordered ribs and a pork sandwich. The pork sandwich was the best thing I had all night. The pork was hot, the BBQ sauce was satisfactory and I refused to share it. You know something is good when you refuse to share. The ribs, on the other hand, I don’t think I could have given away to a homeless person. They were that bad. I tried to bite them and I think I chipped a tooth. I’m not sure how I’m going to explain that one to my dentist. Also, the ribs were rubbery. Tires should be rubbery, bouncy balls should be rubbery, ribs should not be rubbery. I actually thought about throwing my ribs at JUSTIN Heyward., but I didn’t want to go to jail. Seriously, had I thrown them, there is a 100 percent chance he would have been knocked unconscious and a 33 percent chance he would have been killed. Oh and in case I haven’t made myself clear, I’ll be as clear as possible now: don’t get ribs from the Smoke House.

Tim: I took one bite of the ribs also. I’m pretty sure we got the ones left over from the Braves opening home stand back in April. And just because I don’t think we ever did it on the old letter grade scale, I’m going to kick it old school and drop our first F-bomb (no, not that kind of F-bomb.) The pork sandwich was okay, but the ballpark clearly didn’t have the same magical effect on the barbecue as it did on the hot dog.

Pork Sandwich: John 8, Tim 5
Ribs: John 1, Tim F-minus

Innings 6-9
 
John: We closed the meal portion of our night off with a smoked chicken quesadilla from the Chop House. After the ribs, I wasn’t sure I would be able to eat meat ever again. However, that thought didn’t last long because I ate the chicken quesadilla and I liked it. I really wanted dessert, but I didn’t see anyone selling ice cream and since I was too lazy to leave my seat, I settled on cotton candy. I love cotton candy; Turner Field makes good cotton candy. I went to the circus once and they made you pick between blue or pink cotton candy. At Turner, they put both in the same bag. Two cotton candy colors in one bag, you can’t beat that.

Tim: The Chop House is where you go to hang on the rail, drink golden beer from a plastic cup and get on TV. That shot has made it into every Braves telecast ever. And you know how those people always look like they’re having a blast when you see them? Well they are. My dream is to go to every stadium in America and eat at every Chop House-like restaurant there is. The food is basic bar food (quesadillas, cheese steaks, etc.) but it’s perfect ball park fare. Also, they shut down the kitchen after the sixth inning, so we got there just in time.

Quesadilla: John 7.5, Tim 7
Cotton Candy: John 9, Tim 8

Final Impression

John: Unfortunately we didn’t hit up the 755 Club. That was mainly because the Beacon only gave us $8 to spend at the game. That $8 only bought us my nachos and one-sixth of Tim’s hot dog. So the 755 Club just wasn’t in the budget. Speaking of budgets, Tim’s wife Heather made her annual Dining Duo appearance and she offered a great tip. If you want to save money, you’re allowed to bring your own drinks into the game (not alcohol) provided they’re in plastic containers (no glass, no cans). If you’re a parent or someone who babysits 12 kids at a time, this could save you some serious money. Just remember, you have to pack the non-alcoholic beverages in a soft cooler. Alright Tim, I think this is the part where you rub it in that Atlanta won on a JUSTIN Heyward game-winning walk-off double and then the next afternoon on a game-winning walk-off grand slam. I hate the Braves. And I hate Turner Field, but that’s only because it’s named after Ted Turner, I actually like the stadium itself.

Tim: I have a confession. If my team is playing your team and my team wins, I’m a complete sore winner jerk. After the game it was like Jason Heyward had put a “kick me” sign on Breech’s back as a personal favor to me. I mean, how ironic is it that the man he mockingly called “Justin” all night ended the game on a walk off double that landed almost right in front of us. It was pure poetry. And that is why I love Turner Field. Three words. Best. Dining Duo. Ever.

Tim: 10
John: 4 (Would have been an 9 if the Reds had won)