First Impression

John: Last week, in honor of Cinco De Mayo, I talked briefly about my top 10 favorite holidays. Why am I bringing this up again? Because today is a holiday 100 times better than Cinco De Mayo: Mother’s Day. I take Mother’s Day seriously. My list of favorite holidays goes: Christmas, Mother’s Day, who cares after that. You know who else takes Mother’s Day seriously? Miller’s Ale House. When Tim and I sat down, there were three menus at our table: a regular menu, a lunch menu and a Mother’s Day menu. The Mother’s Day menu mentioned something about free wine for mom. All I can say is that when I was younger, my mom loved free wine. I think it’s probably because I have five brothers and sisters. Anyway, Tim told me that the inside of the restaurant was designed to look like a “Florida bar.” I’m still not exactly sure what Tim meant.

Tim: For anyone who might be wondering, Miller’s Ale House is not a house that only serves Miller beer. The husband-wife team that started the joint (in Florida) just happened to be named Miller, which is a fortunate coincidence - kind of like someone named Angus opening a steak restaurant. But they don’t just serve Miller (although they do have MGD 64 on draft for the calorie conscious imbiber). There is a solid selection of domestic and imported draft beer. Anyone who has been to a seaside Floridian upscale-casual bar/restaurant (the Conch House in St. Augustine comes to mind) will know what I mean when I say the place has a Florida bar feel to it. There are some understated pieces of Florida decor, the majority of the interior is hard wood and there’s plenty of seafood on the menu. The only difference is that there are very few leathery men in tank tops at the bar and the ocean is about 300 miles further away.

John: 9

Tim: 8

Appetizers

John: To start our meal off, we ordered something called “The Zinger Mountain Melt.” If you’re on any sort of diet, the words Mountain and Melt in the same sentence should probably be an automatic red flag for you not to order the dish. However, I am not on a diet. I actually wanted to order one for each of us. The ZMM is basically French fries covered in cheese, bacon bits and scallions. Oh wait, there’s also boneless buffalo wings thrown on the top for good measure. Trust me, its tasty. We also ordered potstickers and a blackened chicken quesadilla. Like conversation with Altork, the blackened quesadilla could have been boring. However, the blackened seasoning provided a nice spicy jolt with every bite.

Tim: The Zinger Mountain Melt is Miller Ale House’s quintessential bar food offering. If you want beer and mindless filling calories, this is what you order. It also comes with a side of ranch dressing to dip everything in. It’s really a fantastic guilty pleasure. Sometimes I like to order basic stuff when we do these reviews, just to make sure a place knows its culinary ABC’s. The quesadilla served that role this time and Miller’s pulled it off flawlessly. Plenty of cheese, tasty meat, and they serve it with a solid salsa that gives it a fresh, spicy boost. The potstickers are atypical fare for both bars and seafood restaurants, but they provided an Asian inspired variety to the course. They are served on a bed of sliced raw cabbage and drizzled with a sweet, tangy sauce.

ZMM: John 7.5, Tim 8

Quesadilla: John 8, Tim 9

Potstickers: John 7, Tim 8

 Entrées

 John: When you look at the menu, you’re probably going to think the same thing I did, “How can their 12 oz. New York Strip be any good, it’s only $13.95?” I’m going to say this and you can interpret however you want it, it was the best $13.95 I’ve spent this year. The steak was cooked exactly how we asked (medium rare) and it was an actual 12 oz. I thought they might try and sneak me 10 or 11 oz., buy they didn’t. As you’ll read in my final impression, by the time this meal was over, I started to wonder how this place makes money (i.e. the quality is high, but the prices are low). Tim ordered an Ossobuco. If you get to Miller’s only one time in your life and you only get to order one dish, get the Ossobuco. The thing was pork shank heaven. I’ll let Tim talk about it because he ordered it, but, wow. Finally, we also ordered the baked seafood sampler. The portion here was huge, but I wasn’t a big fan of the dish. Once in awhile we bring along a female because these reviews have too much testosterone. Mel says females will probably be happy with the dish because it’s healthy and reasonably tasty. If you order it and don’t like it, don’t blame Tim or me. Blame Mel.

Tim: At this point you must be wondering, “What kind of female is named Mel?” You can relax. Her name is not Melvin. It’s short for Melissa. Okay. Ossobuco. It’s Miller’s signature dish, and for good reason. It’s unique (it stands up on the plate, instead of lying horizontally). It’s tender (just pick chunks off of it with your fork). And it’s not dry. This was my biggest concern upon my initial visual inspection. Pork has a tendency to dry out when it is slow cooked and tender (which is why they serve sauce at BBQ restaurants), but there was no sauce served with (or needed for) the Ossobuco. It’s delightfully moist and perfectly spiced, so it nails the culinary trifecta of taste, texture and tenderness. On the other end of the spectrum was the seafood sampler. Ever heard the saying, “Painting stripes on your back doesn’t make you a tiger”? This is where the Florida bar facade came crumbling down. It’s very difficult to serve good seafood when you’re 300 miles from the ocean, and Miller’s isn’t the exception.

Ossobuco: John 9.5, Tim 10

N.Y. Strip: John 8, Tim 7

Seafood Sampler: John 6, Tim 3

Desserts

John: First, I think Tim just invented that tiger saying. Second, if you didn’t save room for dessert, you’re in trouble. We ordered something called Captain Jack’s Buried Treasure. I don’t know who Captain Jack is, but he is onto something with this buried treasure dessert. It’s a giant slice of ice cream cake with an Oreo cookie crust, chocolate and caramel sauces and some Heath bar for good measure. I haven’t eaten ice cream cake since I was 13. Big mistake, ice cream cake is good.

Tim: Miller’s had two of the best desserts that I’ve had in the two-plus years I’ve been doing restaurant reviews. The Buried Treasure was easily a top 10 dessert and may be the best I’ve had. Man, that thing was good. The coconut cake was fantastic as well, if only because it’s been a while since I’ve had anything with coconut on it. It’s a flavor that I always enjoy, but it’s not that easy to find when you eat out. Kudos to Miller’s for putting that one on the menu.

Buried Treasure: John 8.5, Tim 10

Coconut Cake: John 7, Tim 9

 Final Impression

 John: So lets get back to my “How does this place make money?” charade. If you’re an astute business person reading this, you probably said to yourself, “Breech, don’t be stupid, the food prices are low because they make all their money back times 10 on alcohol sales.” Shockingly, I thought that too. However, when I glanced at the alcohol menu, here is what I saw: $5 pitchers of Miller Lite, MGD and Icehouse; $2 Foster’s pints, $5 doubles of Captain Morgan and Skyy vodka. Instead of calling my mom today, I’m going to call my accountant. I will not sleep until I figure out how this place makes money. But after I talk to my accountant, I promise to call my mom.

Tim: Time for Tim’s “I can’t believe MGD already got two mentions in this review” quick summary. Miller’s Ale House is the place to go if you want: a Florida feel, dessert that will leave you feeling complete about life, seafood that tastes like it’s 300 miles from the ocean, booze that won’t break the bank, food with the word “Mountain” in the name,  pork that stands up and confusion about how restaurants make money.

John: 9

Tim: 8