First Impressions

John: Right around noon on Thursday, I prayed for about ten minutes that it wouldn’t rain that night because nothing ruins an outdoor glutton festival faster than a thunderstorm. No one likes to be wet, no one likes to eat when they’re wet and no one likes to be outside when it’s raining. Especially me and especially when I am doing 98 restaurant reviews in one. Now in case you’re wondering how this dining duo is going to work, it’s going to go like this: instead of our standard stuff (appetizer, entrée, dessert), we’ll be looking at the Taste of Alpharetta in hour by hour capsules.

Jack: If there is one helpful tip I could give an Alpharetta native about to embark on his first ever Taste of Alpharetta it would be not to wear motorcycle boots to a festival where you’re going to walk a minimum of 15 miles. Sadly, no ever taught me this important lesson and by the end of the night my feet felt like they had been run over by an ice cream truck full of bricks. One more tidbit for future event attendees, when John asks you to park your car at the McDonald’s, do not pass it laughing and pointing because you think you have a better spot picked out. Chances are you will be walking a couple more miles than you had originally planned.

6 p.m.-7 p.m.

John: If I’m on the planning committee for next year’s event, there is one thing I will make sure the Taste has: stroller only lanes. I don’t know if North Fulton is in the middle of a baby boom, but I can report for a fact that 74 percent of the population of this area is under six months old. Also (and I don’t know how this is possible), but I’m pretty sure there were more strollers then there were babies. My only theory is that there were people pushing around empty strollers. I know for a fact that there was one lady who brought a stroller (there was no visible baby in it) for the sole purpose of running people over. I propose a whole new system for next year: stroller traffic lights, stroller stop signs and even stroller police who will pull over stroller speeders. And don’t get me started on stroller road rage, I automatically give the right of way to strollers, but a lot of people don’t and that almost started about 12 fights. Jack, you need to talk about what we ate this hour because I had to get that tangent off my chest.

Jack: Because John was clearly too busy with his stroller rant to even notice food, I took the responsibility of starting off the Taste with a bang. The first place on the menu was the Philadelphia Pretzel factory, where we were offered one pretzel for two tickets, while the pretzel was good it was falsely advertised because the “one pretzel” turned out to be a half pretzel. El Pollo Loco came next and definitely left an indentation on my brain. Two pieces of grilled chicken and a side of nachos for five tickets! What a deal, and whoever thought of fast food grilled chicken deserves a hug because it will fill my stomach for years to come. As we approached the bottom half of the hour the lines seemed to get longer and the food a little colder, however, this was not the case at Johnny’s Pizza. John and I decided to go with the garlic knots and we were not disappointed, the sauce was warm and the knots were cooked to just the right time.

7 p.m.-8 p.m.

John: The interesting thing about the Taste is that restaurants have to sacrifice a little bit of quality to serve the mass quantities. I say this because Stoney River tried cooking the perfect steak for 10,000 people. After eating their cut sirloin topped with blue cheese crumble, which I thought was decent, a lady next to me remarked, “What’s so legendary about this?” For a lot of people, Stoney River is a restaurant that’s out of their price range, so they got their first (and presumably last) taste at this event. Bad business plan for the steak house. Shallot’s offered a shrimp in a blanket that was selling faster than Tickle Me Elmo was during Christmas 2001. I loved it. I went from shrimp in a blanket to a pig in a blanket with Bagel Boy’s Boar’s Head Hot Dog. I wish someone would have warned me that eating anything else would be impossible after taking this dog down, but nope, no one did. I had to take a 30-minute break after downing this dish that was the size of an elephant’s leg. Although, I guess I could have shared it, which brings me to my next topic.  The best thing about this event, besides the tasting, is the sharing. Everyone was sharing their food with everyone which probably doesn’t happen in the Middle East. Next year, all Kindergartners who haven’t mastered sharing should be brought to this event by their parents (but not in a stroller).

Jack: While John was giving a business lesson to the manager at Stoney River, I was making my way to the Alpha Soda table where they offered everything from Turkey Burger Sliders to Macaroni and Cheese. I decided to taste a BBQ Pork slider and I was thoroughly impressed, the pork was good, a little messy, but overall I enjoyed my time at the Alpha Soda booth. I must also add that out of all the condiment tables I visited, Alpha Soda had the most options. I headed over to Smokejack BBQ next to taste their version of the pork slider; I decided I needed to do some investigative journalism and determine who had the best pork sandwich in Alpharetta. While the slider from Smokejack was up to my standards, the pickle they provided was not, therefore Alpha Soda is awarded the annual Beacon Best Pork Sandwich award. At this point in the night, I was getting a little full and was starting to lose feeling in my right arm. What better way to fix this problem then with Shepherd’s Pie from Olde Blind Dog. The Pie was okay, it was kept hot but there were too many peas, I mean I like peas, but not really.

8 p.m.-9 p.m.

John: Two of my favorite things were Schakolad’s chocolate covered everything (strawberries, bananas, fruit skewers, they could probably cover a stroller if you asked) and the French toast at Red Hen. I don’t want to make up a number here, but I think that more people ate chocolate covered bananas Thursday then watched the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Everywhere I looked, someone was putting a chocolate banana in their mouth, easily the most popular item that I saw. As for the French toast, breakfast food was few and far between, so I tried it whenever I could. Somehow Red Hen managed to make a mean slice of French toast, however, I don’t think they’ll bring back their artichoke quiche next year, cold artichoke quiche is not good and Red Hen had a tough time keeping it hot. Some things just don’t work at this event (like strollers).

Jack: I ended the night with a healthy mixture of melted chocolate and breakfast. I have to agree with John, Red Hen was one of my favorite places on the strip. I ordered up some grits and was immediately impressed. Now, unlike John, I come from the Deep South and I have had many bowls of grits in my lifetime. I must say, Red Hen’s grits are some of the best I have tasted in a while (sorry mom). The Melting Pot seemed to be a popular place and with all the melted chocolate, I can see why the lines were so long. They had your choice of dark, milk or white chocolate; of course, I had to go with the milk chocolate. The strawberries and pound cakes covered in chocolate definitely hit the spot. My dentist might not be too happy with the results but I might floss sometime next month to cover my bases.

Final Impressions

John: Besides the stroller traffic control system, I would like to see one other rule implemented next year: wet naps everywhere. When I got home, I couldn’t even open my front door because my fingers were so greasy.  I almost had to sleep outside because I couldn’t get in the house. Jack couldn’t open his soy sauce which almost ruined his California Roll from Shallots. As any mom will tell you, greasy fingers cause problems. And no, napkins are not a safe alternative. Anyway, if you’ve never been to the Taste of Alpharetta, this is one event you need to make sure you get to next year.

Jack: I must agree with John on the wet naps, my hands were too greasy and that soy sauce would have been helpful on the sushi. If you are planning on attending this event in the future my advice would be to get there early, park somewhere close (not on the other side of 400) and if you have a stroller and you see John, take your baby out and then ram him with it.