Since Breech had so much fun at last year’s Taste of Alpharetta, we decided it was only logical to send him again. Altork didn’t make the trip last year, so this was his first Taste. He had no idea what he was in for. Instead of breaking everything down like they usually do (First Impression, Appetizer, Entrée, Dessert, Final Impression), Tim and John will tackle this abnormally large Dining Duo in a time sequence.
 
6-6:45 p.m.
 
John: I’m not sure how many cops are employed by the City of Alpharetta, but I am pretty sure they were all at the Taste on Thursday. There were at least 500 there. There were cops on bikes, cops in cars, cops on foot, cops on land, cops directing traffic… Let’s just say, I don’t think anyone got their purse snatched because they would have been tackled and handcuffed in less than four seconds. Now to the food. I told Tim the Taste of Alpharetta is like surgery, you should not eat in the 12 hours leading up to it. Now I’m not sure how they hand booths out at the Taste, (Do restaurants arm wrestle for the spots, bid on them, etc) but Ethyl’s Diner (the place inside of Andretti’s) scored some prime real estate. They had front booth place which means they were probably the first restaurant you saw if you were at the Taste. They had a six ticket jambalaya and a four ticket Krispy Kreme bread pudding (tickets are 50 cents a piece). Six tickets was the most anything was allowed to cost, so I was surprised to see Ethyl’s serving something that cost six tickets. However, the jambalaya had two fried shrimp, several meat balls and some chicken in it. It was huge and it was filling, which is normally a good thing, unless of course it’s the first dish you eat on night where you’re expected to eat 40. Speaking of 40, anyone over that age better make sure they load up on caffeine; you’re going to need the energy. I got an iced coffee from Element Coffee, their chocolatey coffee splendor was the only reason I made it through the night. 

Tim: Taste of Alpharetta is like the buffet at the Golden Corral, only it’s about a half mile long and there’s way more people. (In terms of cops, it’s more like a Dunkin’ Donuts.)

When you’re charged with the task of reviewing the entire event, walking up to a half-mile long buffet can be a little intimidating. But it’s like that old saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” Pacing was important, and because I know you need to know, after each time section I’m going to post my Full Factor explaining how well I was able to pace myself. Think of this like the Def Con scale from that movie “War Games.” One means there are just a few minor rumblings, nothing to get worried about. Five means there could definitely be a series of catastrophic explosions.

Our first bite was the jambalaya from Ethyl’s, so that was a good start. We also had a roast beef sandwich from Cuzzie, which had a hint of horseradish for a nice spicy touch.

Then it came down to Vintage Pizza and Pizza Hut for who would provide our first slice of pizza for the night. Pizza Hut must really be hurting. Frankly, I’m not even sure there is a Pizza Hut in Alpharetta. They probably snuck into the event just to remind people that they exist. Needless to say we went with Vintage. Good choice.

Tim’s Full Factor: 1
 
6:45-7:30 p.m.
 
John: There were two big mysteries on the night. The first one: with all 1,000 Alpharetta police officers at the Taste, who was guarding the rest of the city? The second one: where was Durty Kelly’s? When you walk into the Taste of Alpharetta, you’re given a map of where each restaurant is supposed to be. Every restaurant (60 in all) was in their proper place, EXCEPT for Durty Kelly’s. They no-showed, they stood up the Taste, they were like a bad prom date. Durty’s if you were there, please tell me where so I can apologize for telling everyone you flaked out on the Taste of Alpharetta.

The 6:45-7:30 time segment was the most successful one of the day. Since Durty Kelly’s was hanging us out to dry, we went to Olde Blind Dog. They had a meatloaf sandwich that was definitely one of the five best things I had on the night. We went to the Wildflour booth (don’t worry, I’ve never heard of them either) and had some great BBQ pork. Finally, we made our way to the Alpha Soda booth where we had the best sweet potatoes that I couldn’t get enough of. They tasted like a combination of cake batter and potatoes, which probably sounds weird (O.K., not probably, it does sound weird), but I went back for seconds. Oh and I have to mention the Cuban from 52 Bistro. It was prepared right in front of us, so it was extra fresh and yes, it was absolutely tasty.

Tim: This was the sandwich-ing hour. Three out of our four stops were sandwiches, two of which were fantastic. I’m a huge fan of meatloaf’s surprising rise from crappy Wednesday night dinner to restaurant delicacy. Olde Blind Dog took this renaissance one step further by putting their meatloaf between two pieces of bread, therefore allowing you to eat the meatloaf with your hands. It’s brilliant.And just before that we had a perfectly prepared Cuban from 52 Bistro. Swiss Cheese, mustard, a dill pickle, ham and roast pork on a smushed down toasted sandwich roll. You can always count on Cuba for good sandwiches, good cigars and good defecting baseball players. After that, you’re on your own.

Tim’s Full Factor: 1.5 (Still going strong.)

 7:30-8:15 p.m.

John: I don’t know what Tim eats on a daily basis, but he was a machine at the Taste. After having already eaten 15 dishes, he went to the Bagel Boys booth and ordered a bagel dog, this being a giant hot dog with a bagel bun. Did I wimp out on the bagel dog? Yes. Instead I ordered some Jack Daniels ribs from T.G.I Fridays. Now I normally wouldn’t have ordered from a national chain, but Friday’s dropped the price of the ribs from six tickets to four. Two dollars for three ribs is easily the best deal since the U.S. made the Gadsden Purchase in 1853. Sage came through with some excellent salmon. I thought maybe the quality of the salmon might drop since they had to make a giant quantity, but they didn’t sacrifice any quality, good job Sage. Then Tim saw the Original Pancake House.

My first thought: what better way to follow up salmon than with pancakes. Tim wanted to use the rest of our tickets and buy 50 pancakes; I wouldn’t allow it. I think he ordered four. Ironically, the pancakes at the Taste of Alpharetta were so good, I think they were actually better than what you can get at the restaurant.

Tim: Taste of Alpharetta is like playing a round of golf. You go down one side, then you make the turn and come back up the other side. I was a machine on the “front nine,” but just before we made the turn Breech strongly suggested that I eat that bagel dog. Apparently he had one last year and wanted to make sure I didn’t miss out on the experience. It was good, to be sure. But it also had a dramatic effect on my Full Factor. After that bagel dog everything kind of became a blur. I had some sushi from Akina (so-so), I got the scraps from the TGI Friday’s ribs that Breech devoured (tasty scraps) and I ate most of a piece of salmon from Sage mostly because it was hot and by this time we were standing around with very little motivation to continue eating, so I just kept picking at it until it was almost gone.

But ever since we arrived I had my eye on one place on the back nine - Original Pancake House. Even after all the food that we had up to that point I still devoured two of their pancakes. They were fantastic. Of course after I did that, my stomach gave me a stern warning: no more food.

Tim’s Full Factor: 4.5 (About to wave the white flag)
 
8:15-9 p.m.
 
John: I don’t have any scientific research to back up the statement that I’m about to make, but I’m going to make it anyway: humans are not designed to eat 37 dishes in three hours. I’ve tried it three times in my life and I’ve failed miserably each time. At 8:15, I wanted to throw in the towel. I was done. I couldn’t eat anymore. But Tim wouldn’t have it and that’s when the threat came out, “Either you man up and go to four more booths with me or I will find someone that will.” He also said something geeky about Lord of the Rings and what if Frodo Baggins had quit and not made it to Mordar, I’m really not sure what he said though because I promised to troop on if he promised to never talk about Frodo Baggins again. Our final four stops of the night were Carmine’s Pizza, Melting Pot, Shane’s Rib Shack and Delightful Biteful. While some restaurants start giving up around 8:30 (they stop making fresh food because the event is almost over), Shane’s Rib Shack did not.

The guy that owns three local Shane’s franchisees is a tall white guy with a shaved head (I’m telling you this because he’s easy to spot in a big crowd). Not only was Shane’s still churning out tasty pork sandwiches at 8:30, but the OWNER of the restaurant was the one still cooking the fresh meat. He was probably near heat stroke (it felt like it was 90 degrees before the sun set), but that didn’t stop him from making the best pork sandwich at the event. Delightful Biteful is a catering company that I had never heard of, until now. They had a Reece’s peanut butter cake that was so good, I bought two slices so I could take one home. It was a chocolate cake with Reece cup chunks and a peanut butter like frosting. Ironically, it’s a good thing I got the extra piece of cake, because it would be the last thing we ordered on the night. At 9 p.m., I could tell that Tim was on the verge of collapsing. He had a look on his face that said, “I shouldn’t have eaten that third pancake from the Original Pancake House.” I said something to him about Frodo Baggins and then we left.

Tim: Taste of Alpharetta is like running a marathon. Or at least what I imagine a marathon would be like. You feel good for the first few miles, but when you get within striking distance of the end, you start to wonder why you got out of bed in the morning. That was me for the last leg of our tour. All I remember is that Carmine’s pizza was cold, the Delightful Biteful’s Macaroni and Cheese had mushrooms and the Reese’s cake was as rich and decadent as you would expect a Reese’s cake to be. Then I remember being rolled to the car because I couldn’t walk all the way back.

Tim’s Full Factor: 5